Negativity is defined as:
Expressing, containing, or consisting of a negation, refusal, or denial:
b. Indicating opposition or resistance:
2. Lacking positive or constructive features, especially:
a. Unpleasant; disagreeable: critical
b. Gloomy; pessimistic:
c. Unfavorable or detrimental:
d. Hostile or disparaging; malicious:
We all have been guilty of this to some extent-some more than others. I am going to focus on the "some more than others." If you find yourself being like this far too often, try to think about why you are acting this way. Is there a deeper underlying reason that you need to get to the bottom of, or is it simply unhappiness with yourself or with your life, or even unhappiness with life in general. Do you even notice you are being like this? Is it intentional? Negative and critical people can be real downers, energy vampires if you will. No matter what you say, they find some way to derail the mood of the conversation. You can't even remember when the last time they gave a genuine compliment or encouragement. I feel really sad for people like this.
The rest of the blog is from an article that I read, and I find it to be helpful on how to handle this issue.
"1. Don’t Take It Personally
Most of the times, their criticisms reflect more about themselves than about you. They react in this manner because of certain beliefs and frameworks they have about life. You may think the critical person is all out to get you, but it’s more likely he/she reacts in this same manner toward other people or subjects.
Unfortunately, people become hung up over “how” communication is done (the words used, the tone of communication), rather than “what” is being communicated (the message). The former ensures the message is conveyed correctly, but ultimately it is the message that matters. Critical people may be curt, but we are the ones who choose to attach the negativity to their words. Critical people may lack tact, but that’s because they lack awareness of how their behavior implicate others. You may be surprised, but sometimes they are really just clueless on how they are coming across until they see themselves in action. If you are taking their comments negatively when they don’t intend to be negative at all, that’s probably the worst way to expend your energy.
Filter through their words (more importantly, your interpretations of their words) and get down to the real message. What are they trying to communicate? Why are they saying these? What are their intentions? Are they really trying to be *ssholes or is it a different intention?
Behind their words may lie great insights. If you can get past the “how” and get down to the “what“, you gain access to valuable feedback for improvement. Two powerful things occur here:
Some of my friends would complain about how their critical friends put them down all the time. Yet for some reason, they keep putting themselves in the receiving end of criticisms after that. In a way it’s probably done subconsciously for validation and acceptance, simply because it’s so hard to get encouragement from critical people.
However, the natural reaction of critical people is to criticize, not praise. So if you talk to them about something in hopes they will respond in enthusiasm and encouragement, stop doing it. You have seen their critical behavior in action before, so it shouldn’t surprise you if they continue to dish out criticisms at what you say. Albert Einstein would tell you that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity, and he’s right. If you still insist on putting yourself in the same situation, then you really have no one else to blame but yourself!
As they say about online flaming – “Don’t feed the trolls”. If you can’t stop them from voicing their opinions, then you have an option of ignoring them. Give a simple 1-2 liner response, one that acknowledges receipt of the comment but doesn’t engage further in the discussion. And if the person presses on, then just ignore him/her altogether. At this point, it’s obvious that he/she wants to ignite a response in you. By not doing so, you maintain your locus of control of the situation.
Just as the critical people need to take responsibility for their comments, we have to take responsibility for receiving the negativity too. With every occurrence, there is always the event itself, and our perception of the event. We can’t change how people want to act or say around us, but we can change how we act around them. We always have a choice. If we don’t want to accept the negativity, then just don’t accept it. The negativity is not ours if we don’t take it.
I watched Peaceful Warrior about half a year ago, and there was a quote I really liked:
Treat them with kindness. Help them out in areas you know they can benefit from your help. Get to know them personally.
6. Avoid Them
Where all else fails, simply avoid them altogether. Reduce contact, limit conversations with him/her, hang out with others if it’s a group outing, or as a last resort - cut him/her out of your life. I have a friend who is particularly critical. Being around her feels suffocating. No matter what I talk about, she’d have a way to add a negative slant. For example, if I’m sharing about something I’m excited over, she’d reply with some lackluster comment, about how it’s not such a big deal or it’s just normal. In our day-to-day conversations, she barely has anything encouraging or positive to say, choosing to focus on the “bad” things. Even when it comes to seeking solace, it’s hard to get an empathetic response. Half the time, I feel like I need to ready myself for a negative comment."
I hope today's lesson finds you well.
We all have been guilty of this to some extent-some more than others. I am going to focus on the "some more than others." If you find yourself being like this far too often, try to think about why you are acting this way. Is there a deeper underlying reason that you need to get to the bottom of, or is it simply unhappiness with yourself or with your life, or even unhappiness with life in general. Do you even notice you are being like this? Is it intentional? Negative and critical people can be real downers, energy vampires if you will. No matter what you say, they find some way to derail the mood of the conversation. You can't even remember when the last time they gave a genuine compliment or encouragement. I feel really sad for people like this.
The rest of the blog is from an article that I read, and I find it to be helpful on how to handle this issue.
"1. Don’t Take It Personally
Most of the times, their criticisms reflect more about themselves than about you. They react in this manner because of certain beliefs and frameworks they have about life. You may think the critical person is all out to get you, but it’s more likely he/she reacts in this same manner toward other people or subjects.
2. Objectify the Comments – Understand the Underlying Message
Sometimes, I feel critical people are just misunderstood. They may be trying to offer an opinion that’s misinterpreted due to their lack of tact. They become labeled as *ssholes even though they really aren’t trying to be.Unfortunately, people become hung up over “how” communication is done (the words used, the tone of communication), rather than “what” is being communicated (the message). The former ensures the message is conveyed correctly, but ultimately it is the message that matters. Critical people may be curt, but we are the ones who choose to attach the negativity to their words. Critical people may lack tact, but that’s because they lack awareness of how their behavior implicate others. You may be surprised, but sometimes they are really just clueless on how they are coming across until they see themselves in action. If you are taking their comments negatively when they don’t intend to be negative at all, that’s probably the worst way to expend your energy.
Filter through their words (more importantly, your interpretations of their words) and get down to the real message. What are they trying to communicate? Why are they saying these? What are their intentions? Are they really trying to be *ssholes or is it a different intention?
Behind their words may lie great insights. If you can get past the “how” and get down to the “what“, you gain access to valuable feedback for improvement. Two powerful things occur here:
- Firstly, you are a step ahead in your journey of conscious living because you are no longer behaving in a reactive manner.
- Secondly, you are literally more knowledgeable now you know the real intent of their feedback. This can be constructively used in your journey of self-improvement. Neither of these can happen if you are hung up over the criticism.
3. Don’t “Ask” for Opinions if You can’t take it
If you can’t take what the person has to say, then don’t ask for his/her opinion. This includes invitations for opinions, by virtue of just talking on the topic. Critical people like to dispense their opinions even where they are not asked, so just make sure you don’t mention it in front of them.Some of my friends would complain about how their critical friends put them down all the time. Yet for some reason, they keep putting themselves in the receiving end of criticisms after that. In a way it’s probably done subconsciously for validation and acceptance, simply because it’s so hard to get encouragement from critical people.
However, the natural reaction of critical people is to criticize, not praise. So if you talk to them about something in hopes they will respond in enthusiasm and encouragement, stop doing it. You have seen their critical behavior in action before, so it shouldn’t surprise you if they continue to dish out criticisms at what you say. Albert Einstein would tell you that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity, and he’s right. If you still insist on putting yourself in the same situation, then you really have no one else to blame but yourself!
4. Disengage from their Criticism / Ignore Them
Here’s an insightful story I’ve heard several times before, but never grow tired of:Buddha was well known for his ability to respond to evil with good. There was a man who knew about his reputation and he traveled miles and miles and miles to test Buddha. When he arrived and stood before Buddha, he verbally abused him constantly, he insulted him, he challenged him, he did everything he could to offend Buddha.Some people may voluntarily offer criticisms, even when you’re not asking for them. These criticisms may well be out of line and done in poor taste. One way you can respond is to retaliate in anger. However, since the person must have a lot of angst to be voluntarily dispensing criticisms in the first place, your retaliation will probably only invite more of such comments from him/her. No sooner will this become a heated, ugly debate with one another – one which is unlikely to end well.
Buddha was unmoved, he simply turned to the man and said, “May I ask you a question?”
The man responded with “Well, what?”
Buddha said, “If someone offers you a gift and you decline to accept it to whom then does it belong?”
The man said, “Then it belongs to the person who offered it”
Buddha smiled, “That is correct. So if I decline to accept your abuse does it not then still belong to you?”
The man was speechless and walked away.
As they say about online flaming – “Don’t feed the trolls”. If you can’t stop them from voicing their opinions, then you have an option of ignoring them. Give a simple 1-2 liner response, one that acknowledges receipt of the comment but doesn’t engage further in the discussion. And if the person presses on, then just ignore him/her altogether. At this point, it’s obvious that he/she wants to ignite a response in you. By not doing so, you maintain your locus of control of the situation.
Just as the critical people need to take responsibility for their comments, we have to take responsibility for receiving the negativity too. With every occurrence, there is always the event itself, and our perception of the event. We can’t change how people want to act or say around us, but we can change how we act around them. We always have a choice. If we don’t want to accept the negativity, then just don’t accept it. The negativity is not ours if we don’t take it.
5. Show Them Kindness
This may be a huge leap forward for some. You are probably wondering: “Why should I be kind to them? They are causing me so much anguish as it is. They most certainly don’t deserve me my kindness!”I watched Peaceful Warrior about half a year ago, and there was a quote I really liked:
“The people who are the hardest to love are the ones who need it the most.”I thought this is a very powerful quote. It’s true, isn’t it? If you think about it, why are the critical people so critical? Why is it so hard for them to be positive? Why are they so scarce with their emotions? It’s because they lack it themselves. This is why they are not able to offer it to others. And if they are so critical to others, chances are they treat themselves with the same, if not higher, level of criticalness. They aren’t even giving themselves the love they desire.
Treat them with kindness. Help them out in areas you know they can benefit from your help. Get to know them personally.
6. Avoid Them
Where all else fails, simply avoid them altogether. Reduce contact, limit conversations with him/her, hang out with others if it’s a group outing, or as a last resort - cut him/her out of your life. I have a friend who is particularly critical. Being around her feels suffocating. No matter what I talk about, she’d have a way to add a negative slant. For example, if I’m sharing about something I’m excited over, she’d reply with some lackluster comment, about how it’s not such a big deal or it’s just normal. In our day-to-day conversations, she barely has anything encouraging or positive to say, choosing to focus on the “bad” things. Even when it comes to seeking solace, it’s hard to get an empathetic response. Half the time, I feel like I need to ready myself for a negative comment."
I hope today's lesson finds you well.
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